Christa Black

“Bitterness is easy. Forgiveness is anything but.”

Sunshine comes in many, many forms.  

It could be the heat of the hot, summer rays dancing against your skin.  It could be the first deep laugh after a death in the family.  It’s also the power of truth sinking into the depth of a hardened hearts, pulling out light that illuminates and transforms.  It’s the winds of freedom and that last bit of strength to finish the race.

Sunshine is, most definitely, calling all of our names.  The question is, will we respond to it’s beckoning or remain trapped in certain areas of our lives—living in the cage of depression, self-hatred, addiction, inadequacy, fear, worry, or many other enemies that steal life and destroy hope.  I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t made to be locked in a cage.

I was made to live free…and so were you.  Totally free.  Completely free—in every area of your existence.

One of the major heart-issues that keep us locked in a cage is the nasty, ugly, enormous burden of bitterness and unforgiveness.  If you’re living life, I’m sure something (or perhaps many things) have happened to you that seem to qualify a sentence of unforgiveness towards someone who has wronged you.  But bitterness—even in it’s most innocent form—does nothing but poison the PERSON who holds onto it.  We think we’re doing something good by clinging to hate and resentment, but the only one having to live with the burden is the one carrying the load.

Here’s a excerpt from Chapter 7 that better explains:

Forgiveness.  What a superhuman concept. 

If it was left up to my will, I know I would never have the strength or ability to actually fully forgive.  When something painful happens, human nature tends to want to hold on as long as possible.  It’s infinitely harder to overlook an offense than to get angry and bitter.  Bitterness is easy—forgiveness is anything but.

For years my merciless heart was on lock down.  I didn’t want to budge, or at least my pride didn’t want to budge.  I couldn’t see how letting go and letting someone off the hook would do any good at all.  I burned with a fire for justice.  I wanted the person who had hurt me to hurt the way I had, which somehow justified my anger.  I threw verbal punches and held onto bitterness.  I kept blaming—kept pointing the finger.  I wanted someone to pay.

By refusing to let go of anger, in any circumstance, the only one really shackled to the poison of anger and bitterness is the one consumed by it.  In fact, refusing to forgive someone is like drinking poison and then waiting for your spited adversary to die.

The boy who sexually abused me wasn’t handcuffed to my wrath.  I was.  The kids who hurt and rejected me weren’t overwhelmed with unforgiveness.  I was.  My family wasn’t living under the power of my hatred.  I was. 

When someone says the words, “I will never forgive you for what you did to me,” the only person who really has to carry the burden of that heavy load is the one administering the sentence.

But mercy triumphs over judgment.

Kindness brings people into true sorrow for what they have done. 

A lot of people think they have to actually feel like forgiving before they even start the process, but most times, it’s not going to happen that way.  Waiting until you feel like forgiving someone who has wronged you will be like waiting on a cake to bake outside of the oven.  It’s not going to happen.  The guilty can sometimes be far from deserving the precious gift being bestowed upon them.

But forgiving those who have wronged you sets you free.    

I recently heard a story about a woman whose daughter had been brutally raped and murdered by a group of young men.  When the men were eventually caught and charged with the crime, the mother’s reaction astounded a nation.   She forgave them all.  Now, the very men who raped and murdered her daughter were so transformed by her act of kindness and forgiveness, they now work for her.  She even considers them to be her sons.

There is more transforming and life-giving power in forgiveness than in anger.  There is more might and strength in mercy than in bitterness.  There is more release and freedom in a pardon than in a judgment. 

When forgiving those who had wronged me felt more impossible than picking up a mountain with my bare hands, it meant I hadn’t known forgiveness enough to then return the favor.  This is one trait that doesn’t seem to come very naturally to human nature.  It’s something that has to be learned and sometimes willed over deep antagonistic emotions.

Most of us have a hard time forgiving those around us because of one thing: we really haven’t forgiven ourselves.  If you ask someone if they have any regrets, heads tend to bow in shame as painful memories punch the gut.  My list was long and ugly and I hated myself for it.  I locked my terrible shortcomings away, fighting desperately to keep them a secret or living to overcome their shame.  I hated myself for having done things that were absurdly stupid, or for looking the way that I did, or acting in ways that I hated. 

When you refuse to forgive yourself for being the way you are, doing the things that you do, or never doing or being enough, you make it almost impossible to actually change.  Loving and forgiving yourself where you are, at this very moment, is the starting point for moving forward and changing everything. 

You have to start from forgiveness in your own heart, and then move towards areas of your life that you would like to become better. 

Thanks to all of you who signed on last night for the live UStream chat.  It was my very first one and I must admit, I was a little nervous!  But you were all so gracious and wonderful—it made it so much fun, and I can’t wait to do it again.  Loved it when you asked me pointed questions that were a little tough to answer.  If you happened to miss it, you can catch the recorded version here:   http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/11473517

I’m getting some shows booked in California next month with the AMAZING duo Johnnyswim. www.johnnyswim.com.  Can’t wait to work more with them in the future.  INCREDIBLE musos and people—the best of the best.

Headed to @libbygee’s tacky sweater Christmas party (why is it so much fun acting/dressing like a fool???).

If you’re holding onto bitterness or resentment…give yourself the best Christmas present you can ever give…and begin to let it go.  Forgiveness isn’t usually a one-time thing….in fact, it goes against your feelings most of the time.  But once you begin to let the poison drain…I promise you, you’ll begin to feel lighter.  In fact, bitterness does nothing but make soft hearts hard and build castles around our souls.  If you can’t forgive your dad for cheating on your mom right now…or forgive your best friend for stealing your boyfriend….or the guy who raped and abused you…..

It’s ok.  It’s a process.  It takes time.

Start with forgiving yourself.  Start with letting yourself off the hook for the things you might have done that you hate, that you resent—that you keep you caged.  You hold the key to freedom in your hand.  All you have to do is open the cage and let yourself out.

Promise.  Freedom is worth it.  

Love Love Love,

xoxo, Sista Christa

Some say “You are what you eat,” but even more so, “You are what you THINK.”

Libby’s Chapter 6 depiction perfectly illustrates the pages it accompanies.  

This chapter goes in depth about my eating disorder—the one I lived with (day in and day out) for most of my life.  In fact, I really don’t remember my early years without its claws ripping through my soul.  Most people wouldn’t think of a skinny, waif-like child able to eat a football player under the table as someone with an eating disorder.   In fact, most people thought it was pretty funny how much food I could shovel in. But just because I wasn’t gaining weight didn’t mean there wasn’t a problem.  (We tend to judge problems with what we see externally).  But in actuality, it was an enormous dilemma that, left unchecked, became a daily hell in my teen/college years—one that eventually made me want to pretty much throw in the towel and end everything.

I didn’t have an eating disorder because food existed to taunt and torment me.  I didn’t struggle with addiction because of a substance in front of my face.  I ate to fill a void deep down in my heart—an empty, unrelenting, black hole suction that always clamored for more.  And I did it….because I BELIEVED lies about myself—down to the very core of my being.

I believed that I was unworthy of love.

I believed that I was ugly.

I believed that I would never have the boyfriend I wanted.

I believed that I would never be good enough.

I believed that I would never be as beautiful as I longed to be.

I believed that I was worthless.

This tiny list only scratched the surface of the lies I believed.  The real list went on and on and on and was carved in stone, written on the fabric of my heart.  No matter how much my body actually changed…no matter how much weight I lost…no matter how long and beautiful my hair became, how many beautiful clothes I bought, or how many achievements I was able to add to my list—all I ever saw was was ugly.  Why?  Because I believed in the ugly parts of my existence—ugly was all I was ever going to see.

You are what you think.  Plain and simple.

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 6:

I was a college girl striving to make straight A’s, remain as popular as I could, and fool everyone around me into thinking my life was perfect.  But in reality, every day was completely out of control.  I’d given up drugs and alcohol.  I’d given up cigarettes.  I’d given up the things that I knew would lead to addictions that would take years to get free from and were socially frowned upon, but I couldn’t give up food.  An alcoholic doesn’t have to go into a bar to live.  He or she can choose to avoid those places.  A drug addict can stay away from drug dealers and sketchy street corners.  The problem with food was, I had to face my addiction every single day, several times a day, in order to live.  And on top of that, food is Western culture’s acceptable drug.

            I think it’s interesting how some people will look down their nose at you for having a glass of wine or a beer with your meal, but gorging your brain out at a potluck dinner is completely acceptable.  Heading into a casino to escape through gambling is for bottom-dwellers and heathens, but drowning your pain in a tub of ice cream is somehow seen as completely normal.       

Food is still a drug if you use it to medicate.  Food is still something that can hold you in bondage, just like alcohol, smoking, drugs, cutting, sex, pornography, and gambling can.   In my journey on this road of addiction, I’ve come to realize that the danger isn’t always in the substance.  It’s in the abuse of the substance.

            Any time I use anything to escape or medicate my soul, heart, or emotions that is a temporary solution to a bigger problem, I am a slave to that substance, whatever it is.  Alcohol abuse isn’t worse than food abuse.  They both keep you in chains.  We have to stop looking at what people are doing and instead ask ourselves why they are doing what they’re doing.  I had quit getting drunk and smoking cigarettes because that was unacceptable for a so-called “good Christian girl,” but it didn’t mean the root behind why I was getting drunk was completely healed.  My addiction had just transferred back to food, and since I didn’t have other substances to help medicate, the problem soared off the charts.

            You see, It wasn’t ever about food.  It wasn’t ever about any substance.  The problem wasn’t the external. 

The problem was my heart. 

My heart was still severely wounded in certain areas, and because I wasn’t completely healed, I always needed to find ways to numb the pain.

If you struggle with substance abuse like I did, you will never be free until you go back and open up the vaulted, shameful, dark places of your past and allow yourself to begin the healing process.  Then and only then will your behavior change.  You will always find something to medicate with whether it be hobbies, addictions, work, substances, obsessions, or lusts.  Until you get to the root of why you’re medicating in the first place, you will find yourself in the same cycle again and again. 

Don’t forget to tune in tonight on UStream to chat with me 7.30 EST.  I’ve LOVED getting your emails about what the book has been doing in your lives so far, and can’t wait to answer any questions you might have.  Here’s more info:  http://on.fb.me/eMiPLI

And if you want to get your books by Christmas, now’s the time to order! (www.christablack.com)

Thanks to all who have done so already. Hearing your stories makes all the struggle of getting this book out WORTH IT!!!!

If you’re unsatisfied with the reflection you see in the mirror, dear friends, it has very little to do with your actual reflection. No matter how much it changes, unless you get to the roots, the heart, and the pain of WHY…..you’ll continue to see what you think, regardless of what your eyes might see.

It’s time to challenge our thoughts. It’s time to get to the core of the pain. It’s TIME to find real beauty.

Love Love Love,

xoxo, Sista Christa

“God Loves Ugly…He doesn’t see the way I see…

God takes ugly and turns it into something that is beautiful…

Apparently, I’m beautiful…….’cause you love me.”

This one is definitely a favorite illustration by @libbygee.  (however….I say that about all of them!)

Our eyes see the natural.  They see what’s standing in front of us.  They see our flaws when we look in the mirror.  They see what’s a bit too big, a bit too much, and every wobbly bit we want to change.  They see someone’s exterior and instantly make a judgement, or they see outward beauty, sometimes ignoring the bad character behind the perfect shell.

But when God looks at us, He doesn’t see the way we see.  He doesn’t judge from the outward appearance of an earth suit that talks too loudly or stammers nervously when we’re insecure.  He passes up the immaculate exterior, or the disheveled hair.  He overlooks the pimpled face and the nails we’ve bitten down to the quick.  When God looks at us, He looks inside and sees the potential, the beauty, the untapped and unexplored.  He finds the gold deep inside and champions the weary.  He believes the impossible and encourages the hopeless.  When God looks at our hearts, He doesn’t see who we’re not—-He sees what we’re missing.  He’s the biggest cheerleader I’ve ever met—overzealously enthusiastic about the woman I’m becoming, even though I’m far from my potential.  

He’s unconditionally, undeniably crazy about us….and committed to seeing us become all He’s created us to be.

We look at the now.  He looks at the forever.  He sees us in our raw, diamond in the rough state, and then He does everything He can to carve the diamond out of the quarry….polishing it carefully (even though it’s sometimes painful) in order to get the diamond of our souls into that shiny, beautiful, glorious state.  

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 5 that better explains my affection towards this God who has healed me in ways I never thought possible:

Being loved by God has changed my life.  Not just loving Him, but being loved by Him.  In fact, I John 1:9 says that we actually love Him becauseHe first loved us.  I didn’t actually know how to love God until I allowed myself to be loved by Him.  How crazy is that?  Because of that revelation, I’ve spent the last few years saying, “Ok, God, my love bucket is empty.  Will you just come and love on me?”

It works every time.  And I’ve fallen deeply in love with Him in the process.

His love changes my pride into humility, my anger into kindness, my selfishness into generosity, and my fear into peace. 

For many years I would have told you the worst problem in life was my eating disorder, or low self-esteem—my addictions or my depression.  But I’m able to see now that those were all just symptoms of a love-deficiency.  I had no idea how to love myself.  I wanted others to love me, to accept me, to esteem me, but I didn’t love, accept, or esteem myself.  In fact, I absolutely hated myself. 

The reason I can’t write this book without paying homage to this magnificent God, His gentle Spirit, and my beautiful Jesus is because my experience has been that His love is actually the solution for every problem I’ve ever faced. 

As amazing as my husband, friends, and family are, they will never be able to love me as completely as the God who made me.  The more I allow Him to come in and love the barren parts of my heart—the broken, the abused, the shameful—the more I don’t just get healed, my life illuminates and is transformed. 

            Love really does conquer all.  

And there you have it….in a nutshell.  Love really does conquer all—perfect, beautiful, unconditional buckets of lavish love.  

GoMerch sent out another email blast last night, so you all should have received the digital download again.  If you didn’t, check your Spam box on your email first and see if you’ve got an email from mailroom@gomerch.com.  If you entered your email in while ordering, you should have received the email!  (:

Sorry about all the mixup, and thanks for being so patient.  Starting up a company isn’t easy work (especially for someone prone to be creative and NOT administrative).  So appreciate your patience and grace as we learn these new ropes.  

Don’t forget, I’m doing a live Ustream tomorrow night at 7.30 pm Eastern Standard Time, so log on and ask me your questions!  Would also love to hear how you’re liking the book and the CD so far!  Make sure and tell your friends.  The more you guys get to talking….the sooner we can get this book in bookstores!!!    Let me know if you’ll be able to chat:  http://on.fb.me/eMiPLI

If you’re in Abilene, Texas next Monday the 20th, come by Monk Coffee Shop at 7 pm for a book signing/show.  I’ll be selling the books there, so if you haven’t ordered one yet, you can get one from me and snag a hug.  (:

Love, Love, Love you guys.  And remember…no matter what you’ve done, or how many terrible moments you’ve had in your past….no matter how unlovable you believe you truly are…..NOTHING can keep you from the love of the God who created you.  NOTHING you can ever do will make Him love you any more…or any less than he already does.  His love for you is never ending…..

Forever.  (:

xoxoxo, Sista Christa

On the 4th day of Book Artwork…

There’s Always A Reason.

How many times have you come across someone who absolutely drives you bonkers? They might flirt shamelessly, laugh annoyingly, or banter on about themselves like a broken record.  Their voice, personality, or looks might rub you like sandpaper.  You hate how they always have to be right, are more competitive than a pro athlete, or maybe you can’t stand how rude they tend to be for absolutely no reason.

We meet people, and we instantly judge.  It’s almost impossible not to, especially when we haven’t been taught otherwise.  We look at a homeless person and immediately size up their disheveled appearance and pungent odor, ignoring them completely or crossing the street to avoid the jingling of their beggars cup.  But what if we took 5 minutes to find out their horrific story?   We might instantly find compassion and grace when learning that they’ve been abused, orphaned, and had more tragedy happen than most of us could ever dream up for a horror movie.  In fact, if those things had happened to us, more than likely….we would be exactly the same way.

Sometimes I meet a person, and they just rub me the wrong way.  I knew a girl a while back who I used to call ‘hover.’  It seemed like no matter what I did, I just couldn’t get away from her—and no matter how rude I got, she tried EVEN HARDER to gain my approval and acceptance.  In fact, the meaner I got, the more she turned on the ‘try approach,’ which just made it worse.  

One day, I decided to turn her direction and actually talk to her, acknowledging her existence instead of running from it.  I asked her questions about what she liked and where she came from.  We both laughed and exchanged friendly conversation.  It didn’t take very long, and before I knew it, she had spilled her guts—revealing such tragedy, all I could do was listen in silence.  The story that came out of her mouth that day was enough to make me weep—rejection, abuse, and pain plagued her childhood like termites eating through a wooden fence.  There was so much destruction from her past, of COURSE it had produced a girl desperate for approval and love—longing for just someone to see the REAL her and love her despite the holes in her soul.  Once I had heard her story and the reasons behind her behavior, I was able to extend immediate grace and compassion.  How could I not?  

The problem is, a lot of times we don’t get the full story.  We might just have an annoying person in front of us who drives us crazy.  But what if we never find out the story behind that behavior?  What if we never know what produced it?  Will we still be able to love?

Or what about ourselves and our own shortcomings?  We’re usually painfully aware of the lack and pain inside.  What if we simply hate the fact that we’re dishonest, a bad friend, or insecure?  Will that really ever change anything?

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 4 of my book:

Late one night several years ago, I turned on the television and instantly found myself glued to a CNN special on child prostitution rings in Asian countries.  They secretly video taped and interviewed “den mothers” who kept children hostage and sold them out for sex, some as young as four-years-old.  I watched in horror, sobbing into a blanket over the stories of these innocent children, irate with murderous thoughts towards the women who kept them captive and exploited them so perversely.  The news reporter very briefly made a comment that stopped me in my tracks, mentioning how “most of the women who were the guardians of these little girls had once been child sex slaves themselves.”  At that moment, my harsh judgment shifted.

I was judging a victim.  I wanted to murder a victim of the same circumstance.  Was the pimp mother to blame?  Of course she was, but the stakes changed a bit when I found out that this life was all she had ever known, being brainwashed as a child victim herself.  I can’t imagine how numb one must become after being grotesquely abused from the ridiculously early age of four, passed along from one person to another on an hourly basis to perform perverted sexual acts.  I can’t begin to fathom the strength it takes to shut your heart down just to survive every painful moment of existence.  

What about the violent kid down the street?  It’s easy to judge his behavior until you find out he learned it from his alcoholic father whose favorite pastime is getting drunk and playing soccer with his son’s head.  What about the promiscuous girl you don’t want to be associated with?  It’s easy to turn your nose up in the air until you find out she’s being touched in her home, causing her to cope with her violation in ways she never would have otherwise.  What about the overachieving brownnoser at work who is always trying to outdo you and everyone around you?  It’s easy to loathe him until you find out he was told he’d never amount to anything by his father, forging his determination to overcome the haunting words.

There’s always a reason.  There’s always a reason for behavior you don’t understand.  There’s always a story behind every homeless person you see, behind every violent act, behind every religious fanatic, behind every political and sexual orientation, even behind those pimp mothers I saw on television.  There’s a lifetime behind someone’s actions, and yet, so many times, we find it justifiable to judge and accuse the actions we see from afar.

The rejection in my past created a girl who loooooved to brag about her achievements.  I was Betty Blabbermouth—blabbing about how awesome I was all the time, all the cool things I’d done, and all the popular people I knew.  It was annoying.  If I was on the other side of the fence sitting across from me, I would have been annoyed at me, too.  But judging myself for being insecure wouldn’t have changed my insecurity.  In fact, it only made me more insecure that I was insecure in the first place.  (Talk about a catch 22!)

We’ve got to get to the roots.  We’ve got to get to the ‘why’ behind behavior.  So many times, we try to change the symptoms in our own lives.  We try to change our dress size by dieting, but food isn’t the problem at all.  It’s just a coping mechanism that helps numb a broken heart.  We try to become more likable when we feel rejected with all sorts of inadequate behavior—and yet, it just turns people off even more.  What happens eventually?  We become even more rejected.

There’s always a reason behind every behavior you see.  Always.  Before our actions and the actions of others can change—we have to find out why they’re there in the first place.   (:  We’ve got to pull out the roots

Alright.  The family is watching Home Alone 2 right now, and I’m dying to join the festivities.  

Thanks to all who have ordered the book already.  I’m so honored and humbled to have you on this journey with me.  We’ve had some troubles with the digital download, so if your link didn’t work for some reason, make sure and email me your order number to askchrista@christablack.com.   Check your spam folder on your email…and if you do find the email from mailroom@gomerch.com, click on the long link at the BOTTOM of the email first.  It should start a download into your iTunes!

And don’t forget to order your autographed copy of the book before Christmas at www.christablack.com!  I had someone tell me yesterday they read the entire book in one day…so make sure and email me your stories and testimonies after you read it!  Let me know what it’s doing to your heart—I’d love to post them on my site!

Love Love Love Love you all.  And remember….there’s ALWAYS a reason.  (:

XOXO, Sista Christa

On the 3rd day of artwork….

@libbygee made for me….

A reason not to let Black Monday’s get me down. (:

I absolutely adore Libby’s depiction of this chapter. The storms are raging outside, but inside the heart, there’s peace. PERFECT sunshine peace.

More than anything…this is how I fight to live my life. In this life, we will have trials. Yep….no doubt. Life won’t be perfect—in fact, a lot of times, it’s just downright hard. But within those outward struggles, it’s within each of our power to FIGHT to have a heart filled with peace.

This is the ultimate achievement.

Chapter 3 explains it much better than my tired brain could right now:

http://bit.ly/GLU-ch3

Write me at askchrista@christablack.com and let me know how these blogs, the music, and the book have impacted you. Would love to share some of your stories on this blog!

Praying for you always,

xoxo, Sista Christa

On the 2nd day of Artwork….

@libbygee brilliantly gave to me…..

Chapter 2 addresses the power of words.  We carelessly throw words around all the time, moment by moment.  We say things like, “I feel fat today,” or “How could you be so stupid.”  We talk badly about another or spew hatred on someone we don’t understand.  We say “I hate you,” as casually as we say “I love you,” and yet, one actually creates death…and one creates life.  

Which one do you create every day?  Life….or Death?

When words have been spoken to us, then believed by us, we choose to make those words apart of the fabric of our very existence.  Until those negative, destructive words are removed and disempowered, we choose live under their curse every single day.

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 2 that better explains: 

I’ve always hated the phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  What a load of total garbage. 

Words create.  They can be the most powerful things in the world, motivating one people group to hate another for nothing more than skin color and religion, or convincing thousands to follow charismatic leaders to their death by drinking poisonous punch.  They can move people to anger and violence or to love and peace.   

At that life-altering moment in front of that mirror, I had the choice to reject the power of his words.  I didn’t have to believe him.  I didn’t have to give his young, 6^th grade opinion that power over me, but I did for years to come.  I believed the words he had spoken over me and added them brick-by-brick to the foundation of my house, punching yet another hole in my heart-shaped bucket. 

The arrow of violent words can penetrate our hearts, cutting and tearing the flesh of our souls.  When we’re hit by someone’s words and don’t understand how to remove the arrows, we become walking pincushions.  I walked through life with word daggers sticking out of my back and arrows protruding from my chest.  When the arrows or knives aren’t removed, the flesh will try to heal around the foreign object, eventually making it a part of the soul.  Every wounding word I carried slowly became a part of me.  I might have stopped gushing blood after a while, but I was never able to be whole with the knives still inside.

They had to be taken out and removed in order to heal.  I’m pretty confident that if you’re living around people, you might be carrying around a few word daggers of your own.  They’re impossible to avoid. 

Wounded people wound people.

Remember….You possess the ability to give power to the words that have been spoken over you.  You don’t have to believe critical words spoken from unqualified sources.  You have a choice to begin changing the words you speak over yourself this very instant.  

Try it today.  Try to go a day without saying one negative thing about yourself.  If you can’t make it a day…try to go an hour.  See how much death you’re speaking over yourself (or maybe others) and begin to recognize the world and the atmosphere you create with your tongue.  

Maybe you really do have bad skin.  Looking at yourself in the mirror and confessing and agreeing with your bad skin does nothing to change your situation.  It just creates insecurity, self-hatred, and a roller coaster of emotions.  Maybe your jeans are too tight today (like mine were yesterday after eating a hamburger for lunch…and pizza for dinner!).  Looking at myself in frustration and agreeing with the situation by saying, “Ugh, my jeans are too tight!” might be true….but it only creates a dark cloud over my head.

Watch your words today.  Watch what you speak.  See the beauty and positivity you can create with that mouth of yours….and then go release that beauty over your world.

Don’t forget to pick up your own copy of God Loves Ugly on www.christablack.com!  Your copy will be a first edition!!!

Alright, dear friends, I’ve got a road trip to make.  Headed to Arizona today…then Texas the next.  (Home, sweet, home on the raaaaaaaaange).  

Love you always.  

Xoxo, Sista Christa

On the 1st day of artwork…

my sister-in-law, Libby Gifford, made for me…..

I thought for the next 9 days, I’d display the artwork that accompanies each chapter of my book.  (Brilliantly done by @libbygee).  

Here’s a short excerpt from the chapter that explains the graphic.  I’ve just written about my sexual abuse, and because I believed I was dirty from the past, I performed and overachieved to feel like I was worthy of love.

Affirmation was my best friend, or so I thought.  Someone would praise me for a performance, but the leaky bucket of my heart seemed unable to hold onto the words.  It couldn’t.  There seemed to be holes everywhere in my soul, spilling the one substance I desperately wanted to hold onto.  I constantly needed someone to tell me that I was a success, that I was good enough, that I was the best, or that I was just okay.  But no matter how much I received, it was never enough to fill my deficient heart.  Never enough to shake the feeling that deep down, my greatest fear was actually true.

I was really, truly, unworthy of love.

On many occasions of irrational behavior as a kid, my beautiful mother would bend down, look me in the eyes, and say, “Christa, is your love bucket empty, honey?”  As a walking bucket made for love, with massive holes carved in the bucket of my heart from the punches of my past, the substance of love seemed to slip through me like sand through an hour glass.

The one thing I wanted was the one thing I couldn’t seem to hold on to.

On top of everything, being loved continuously when you believe that you’re unlovable is like throwing salt on a wound.  It stings like acid.  You want it desperately, instinctively knowing deep down you were wired to need it.  In fact, I guarantee you even Adolf Hitler longed to be loved and held and cherished as a baby.  But the more love my parents gave, the more unworthy I lived, constantly trying to find ways to make up for the empty void and the pain that resided like a monster inside my heart.  

Surely if anyone caught a glimpse of what was going on inside of my head in secret places, my parents, peers, and teachers would stop their extravagant affection.  That wasn’t true, of course, but that didn’t matter.  

What mattered was, it was my truth, and I believed it more than I believed the sky was blue.  

What you believe about yourself is the most important question you can ever ask your heart.  It determines everything about your life.  When hurt and pain from the past hasn’t fully healed, the bucket of our hearts spill the one substance we need—the one substance we were all made for.

Love.

We have to go back to the past—back to painful memories and experiences—back to the bully on the playground or the parent who gave you up….and allow ourselves to heal.  Then and ONLY then will our behavior change. Chapter 1 is just step one in the process—challenging you to find out what you TRULY believe about yourself.      

More to come.  If you like the graphics, make sure and let @libbygee know.  She’s the best!  

Thanks to all of you who pre-ordered the book.  They’re being shipped to you ask I type!  (And if you haven’t, make sure you order one before Christmas at www.christablack.com and it’ll be signed!)

Love you all…praying for you always.  

xoxo, Sista Christa

“Ask Christa” #7 Struggling with Jealousy

Megan from Omaha, Nebraska asks an amazing question:

Christa, I have recently thought about jealousy.

I have tried to catch myself in the act of feeling jealous. I will put on a face of “joyfulness” for someone, but inside, I realize that I am thinking “it’s unfair.” I literally was becoming jealous because of an innocent Facebook post from a new friend of mine. She just released a song on iTunes, and I caught myself, and thought: I should be happy for her. I am I bringing this rage upon myself? I recognize now that I am only jealous because I haven’t given myself the chance to share my God-given talents. I know we are supposed to use those talents, and I get down on myself because I haven’t. I prayed about it, and decided it is finally time to do so. I also prayed to get over this bridge of envy. It is unhealthy, I know it is only human, but I feel like I’m becoming jealous for irrational reasons. What are some ways I can get out of the jealous mindset?

First of all, you are absolutely awesome for even addressing this.  Most people never even acknowledge that there’s jealousy lurking around in the corridors of their heart.  (And acknowledgement is always the first step!)

When I first got into the music industry, I was going to be the best in the world.  I ran full-steam-ahead, wrote every day, played out all the time, finally making a record that I was extremely proud of.  Mat Kearney and I were good friends at the time (we were both using the same producer and kind of on the same path), so when he finished his album and almost immediately got picked up by Aware Records as my album sat on the shelf, my heart began to form this ‘funk.’  

I knew I was good.  I knew I didn’t suck.  I knew my album was something that people would want to listen to….so why was it happening to HIM and not to me???

Then came my beautiful friend Brooke Fraser.  She was making her absolutely brilliant album Albertine around the same time as I was recording my project, and we excitedly ichatted tracks back and forth to each other.  Once again…my album sat in my iTunes as I watched her album hit the iTunes charts world-wide.  I was genuinely overjoyed for her (I mean…even though she’s my friend, she’s one of my favorite writer/voices of all time)….but the trash of jealousy inside my heart began to stink.  It wasn’t really even about her or Mat—it was that things were happening to other people that I coveted. And all it did was depress me, make me feel inferior, and I began to crawl with a lack of confidence.

Then came Jordin Sparks.  Jordin was 15-years-old when I met her, and could already sing circles around most everyone I knew.  She was bubbly and vivacious—absolutely adorably gorgeous along with her show-stopping pipes.  I remember when she told me the news, “Christa.  I’m on American Idol!!!”  I looked straight in her eyes, grabbed her hands, and said with the weight of a thousand tons, “Oh my gosh, Jordin.  You’re going to win the whole thing.”  As the confetti burst, the people cheered, and the whole world watched in awe, I clapped and cried in joy for my friend as she received her title. But something inside of my heart thought, “Is it ever going to be my turn?”

It’s been a few years since each of these incidents—and I’m proud to say, the stink of jealousy in this area of my life has since been removed, cleaned out, and clorox bleached.   It wasn’t necessarily easy, but it IS reality—and it doesn’t have to just be my reality.  Anyone can overcome the toxic feelings of jealousy, sincerely blessing those around them to succeed.  Let me tell you how I did it.

First of all, I had to do what you did, Megan.  I had to get real with the fact that I was jealous of what others had that I didn’t.  Some of you might be jealous of another persons looks, their family, car, or job.  Whatever it is, that jealousy will absolutely never bring anything positive into your life—and it will never change anything.  Acknowledge the fact that you’re jealous in certain areas of your life, and bring those areas into the light.  

Any time jealousy is present, inadequacy is present.  When we look at something someone else has in resentment, we instantly devalue what we do have.  We devalue ourselves and the path we’re on.  If my album had come out several years ago, I probably never would have gone on tour with the Jonas Brothers and I probably never would have written this book.  Looking back on it all, I wouldn’t change a thing!   Jealousy for the platform my friends had now looks cheap and unnecessary.  It never did anything good, but instead, created a valley between me and the friends I loved so dearly. When I find areas of my heart leaning towards the cage of resentment, I instantly start thanking God for what I do have and the path that I’m on.  I might not be where I want to be yet, but if I allow myself to be thankful in the process, jealousy can never drag me down into its dungeon.  (And it is a dungeon!) 

Jealousy is never about relationship—and we were created for relationship.  When we begin to covet what someone else has, it instantly separates us from them—and separates us from love.  A core value I seek to live by is, “My love for people is non-negotiable.”  Because I’ve determined in my heart to love people, then jealousy has absolutely no place in my heart, because it instantly causes division in my relationships.

I’ve also learned to be comfortable with where I am and what I have at this very moment.  So many of us are always unsatisfied.  We always want more, but at the expense of what we’re holding in our hands right at this very moment.  

Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 9 of my book (Journey/Destination) that better explains:    

During my eating disorder years, I would stand high on my tippy-toes, straining to see the light of freedom.  When I was single, I believed if I could just fall in love and get married, all of my heart problems would instantly be solved.  When I did fall in love and got married, I became restless in the little apartment we had once been so content with and thought, “If only we can get the place we want, then we’ll really have made it.”  When we got the loft that we loved, it was too small.  When my first album came out, I believed that if a label, manager, or booking agency would just pick up the album, or if I could just land my big break somehow, then I’d find perfect peace.  While I was touring with other artists in a supporting role for years, I simply thought, “If I can just get that microphone in my own hands, my universe will finally be in order.” 

            How many precious moments of my journey have I missed while out in search of a future destination?

            Every mountaintop I conquer always reveals another mountain waiting to be climbed and taken.  There will always be another goal to obtain, another view to behold, and something bigger and better up ahead that can keep a rumbling of discontent deep in my gut.  If I do reach my highest goal and believe that moment will bring me peace for the rest of my life, I’ll be painfully disappointed.

            Here’s what I’ve learned that brings me incredible peace:  I can rest right where I am today in the journey, knowing that if this is where I am, it’s exactly where I need to be.  I can have hope for tomorrow, but not at the expense of missing the now moments that I can never get back.  I drink deeply of the cup of contentment today, no matter how bad my circumstances are, as I wait for the future sun.  

And I’ve committed to stop searching for the gold of another day, and start holding on to the treasure that’s already right in front of me.

Jealousy is nasty.  It absolutely never produces good.  Proud of you guys for wanting to get these areas out of your heart and move towards freedom—and you can and will.

Don’t forget to order my book before Christmas, and that if you do, you’ll get a signed copy.  (And it’s cheaper than a cheesy Christmas sweater and might change someone’s life!).   And dear friends, spread the word if you like what you’re reading.  We’re doing all of this on our own and could use your help.  I’m super grateful to my street teams (you guys are incredible!).  If you know a girl who is battling an eating disorder, depression, or self-esteem issues, (I mean, hello…haven’t we all battled one of those at some point!?), send her a link to my blog.  The more you guys read and promote, the faster I can get this book/cd distributed into bookstores.  (:

And remember to send your questions to askchrista@christablack.com, and also get a free chapter of my book:  http://bit.ly/GLU-ch3.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE to my friends from all over the world.  (:

xoxoxo, Sista Christa 

“Ask Christa” #6 Limitless Possibility

Aileen from Miami, FL asks:

Just like you, music and writing are my passions. It’s what gets me through everything and anything. I’ve
been writing songs for 3 years now and have been playing guitar for 2 years. My question to you. is how do you do it? Honestly… to get to where you are today requires a lot of patience and determination. You have accomplished so much and my biggest dream is to get to where you are today. To get somewhere in the music industry. I just want your advice on how you never give up. Please & thank you.

What a long, strange trip it’s been.  

I’ll tell my music industry story at some point, but let me say, I’ve wanted to quit more times than not.  I’ve watched this industry crumble while standing in the middle of it.  I’ve gone from seeing people make money at playing the music they love—to living in fear that their album will never come out because the label is out of money.  I’ve been rejected hundreds of times, refused, heard the word ‘no,’ and heard nothing but the silence of a phone not ringing.  

The music industry is NOT for the faint of heart.  BUT……

Music and the music industry are not the same thing.  I was in the studio with Mat Kearney recording his first album years ago, and Reliant K was sharing the same studio in Nashville.  I remember their producer said to me on a coffee break, “You’ll end up loving what you hate if you can’t make money at it.”  He left the kitchen, I chuckled and laughed, “What a cynical guy.  I’ll NEVER feel that way.”  

Several years later, completely heart broken that I’d made a record that no one wanted, depressed, hurting, and broken, I realized the weight of what that producer had said to me.  The one thing I had loved more than anything else—music—was the one thing that had caused me the most pain.  I had combined my love for music with success in the music industry—and had lost my love in the process.  In fact, the girl who used to sing all the time had become almost silent.  

I needed to get my love back—regardless of what my bank account said.   I needed to love the notes, the passion, the melodies that inspired my soul.  I needed to rekindle the flame that used to be a bonfire in my heart.  And I needed to commit to never, ever, ever, ever let failure in the music industry taint and poison my love for the beauty of music.

I’m so thankful for my successes with other artists.  I’m so grateful I’ve been able to tour with some of the most amazing singers, see countries I never would have seen, and done things that some never get to do.  But is touring with other artists my dream? Absolutely not.  I haven’t even begun my dream yet.  This book and CD—it’s my dream—and it’s coming true.  

I wrote WAY to much for my book and had to really edit it down.  Here’s an unedited excerpt that got cut that I thought applied to this concept a bit—and how I’ve fought to live my life in an industry that can hold a lot of rejection and disappointment:

            Limitations are interesting. 

            Sometimes they’re invaluable—a firm railing might keep you from falling off a cliff or a strong seat belt might secure your body as gravity fights to send you through the windshield of your car.  Some limitations save lives on a daily basis—but others kill all possibility.

            I don’t break many rules in society, obeying street signs and complying with governmental laws.  I try to be a good citizen, I don’t cheat on my taxes, I don’t speed (too often), and I definitely don’t download illegal music.  But if someone says something is impossible because it’s never been done before, I’m not so cooperative with my quiet, compliant obedience.

           

 Aren’t we glad Thomas Edison didn’t believe in impossibility before his 10,000^th attempt at inventing a successful light bulb?

            I didn’t come out of the womb ready to wrestle the impossible—I had to develop this attitude and mindset by fighting fear, tackling the unseen, and dreaming up ridiculous dreams.  It’s a huge reason why I love God and the supernatural realm.  I love the impossible circumstances of life being invaded by the possibility of a miracle.  Some disagree, and that’s fine, referring to crazy situations as chance or coincidence, but I don’t believe in either of those things.  I’ve had way too many unexplainable situations happen for me to just believe the ball will roll wherever it wants to, and all you can do is hope for the best.

            I’m so glad Columbus ventured out into the open seas with a dream that the world was round.  I’m so thankful that Alexander Graham Bell thought outside the box enough to invent the telephone.  I’m sure the Wright Brothers got made fun of a few times in their hopes of personal flight.  Thank God it didn’t stop them.  I can’t imagine not being able to fly.  

            Of the world’s poorest 1.3 billion people, 70 percent of those are women.   Can you imagine the shift in culture if we could teach impoverished women to abandon their learned poverty mindsets for a vision of endless possibility?  What if the oppressed female population began to believe they were worth educating, or worth more than living as personal property? 

            There is no such thing as impossibility in my head anymore.  I don’t have time for it.  There’s nothing wrong with being cautious, but when caution is rooted in fear, personal limitations are created.  What was created to keep you safe ends up holding you prisoner. 

            I’ve moved to Nashville, to New York, to London, and to California with sometimes no money, no apparent road in front of me, and no obvious reason for being there.   But every single time, without fail, I pushed down a wall or a limit that I never would have been able to conquer.   Every day that I try something I was afraid to try, I drive forward into unknown territory and take more ground in my own head and heart.

            What was once impossible becomes possible.  What was once a dream becomes reality. 

            Limitless possibility isn’t free.  You have to give up fear, worry, anxiety, and unbelief—but who wants those nasty little monsters anyway? 

I promise you, once you see the endless view from the top of the mountain, you’ll never want to come down into the valley ever again.

Tap into your passion, and cultivate it.    Work on it like you would a relationship.  People respond to authenticity, so if you’re authentic in your love for music (or anything you choose to pursue), it’ll shine bright.

Ok.  Gotta get ready for my show with Johnnyswim tonight.

Love you all.  Believe in you always.

xoxo, Sista Christa