What the heck does 'INTIMACY' mean anyway?

What the heck does ‘INTIMACY’ mean anyway?

Intimacy.

They very thought of it petrifies some, having had their hearts burned on the hot stove of someone’s carelessness and cruelty. Others find it to be a driving force towards the mystery we’re all longing for. Love.

Intimacy—to be naked, spiritually, emotionally, and (possibly) physically with someone—seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. And after they see it all, they choose to love us anyway. Unconditionally.

Intimacy=In—To—Me—See. So basically, ‘Hey person, take a good look inside and see everything. Absolutely everything.’

I never understood partial disclosure within relationships. The secrets I would attempt to keep locked in the dark corridors of my heart grew far too heavy the closer my relationships became. The burden of my shameful baggage did the opposite of what I wanted. You see, I kept secrets because I feared rejection, but those secrets kept a wall between my heart and the person I wanted to know deeply. So basically, I was rejecting them before they could reject me. And rejection happened anyway.

It’s hard to have intimacy when you don’t give someone the chance to love you. All of you.

Studhubs and I have no secrets. Not one. I’ve told him every horrible, shameful, awful, terrible thing I’ve ever done, thought about doing, or struggled with, and he’s revealed the same. Some of it was hard to hear, on both sides, but nothing was unbearable. Especially when you really love someone and know you were created to be with them. Because we chose to begin and live out our relationship with full disclosure, there’s absolutely no barriers in between us growing in our love. None. No matter what happens or will happen in the future, we both know we can get through it. We trust that we’ve seen the good and the bad and already chosen to love, which is far more than just a feeling. Love is a choice, and one we’ve already made.

I’ve never been more comfortable with anyone than my beautiful Studhubs. We can talk for hours or we can ride in the car for hours and not say one word. In fact, the more I thought about it today, the more I realized, I actually have the deepest intimacy with the people that I can enjoy silence with. In the beginning stages of a relationship with someone, the awkward moments of silence at a dinner or coffee can be unbearable, so we fill them with all sorts of things that don’t really needed to be said. But your family, your best friends, your deep relationships—those are the ones that you can rest in. Those are the people you can enjoy silence with. Those relationships are your home.

I was spending time with God a while back, and instead of praying or worshiping or reading scripture, I just curled up on the couch with a pillow, envisioned myself nestling up into Father’s chest, and letting His big arms hold me. I must admit, it was rather hard at first. My mind kept trying to ‘do’ something. I kept trying to tell Him how awesome I thought He was, or worship, or thank Him for something, or pray—all the things we’ve been conditioned to do as God-lovers. But every time, very gently, He would softly say, “Shhhhhhhhh” and pull me closer into the silence.

At first, I was confused. Why didn’t He want me to pray? Why didn’t He want me to thank Him? And why in the world did He insist on me just laying there?

All of a sudden, I saw a picture of my favorite thing in the world—laying on Studhubs chest at night in the silence, falling asleep. There are no need for words. There is no need to try. He doesn’t require anything of me or expect anything. He doesn’t need me to tell him how amazing he is or do anything for him. He just wants me to be with him. The intimacy that I experience in those moments is the deepest intimacy I’ve ever felt—just resting with someone. Just being with someone—with no secrets, no barriers, no walls, no shame, no rejection. True exposure—true rest—true intimacy.

I realized how different this is from the relationship I sometimes have with my heavenly Father—the author of love and intimacy. The creator of relationships, of bonding, of resting. Most of the time when I come to Him, it’s to do something. It’s to pray, to sing, to read, or to serve. But it’s rarely to just be. I find myself asking, especially after His insistence on my silence, how many times have I missed it with God? Have I thought, for years and years, that His requirement of me was to bring Him something, to do something, to say something, to worship…and all this time, in His longing for true intimacy with me, He just wanted me to learn to be. He just wanted me to learn to rest. He just wanted my company….because He likes my company? (:

I’m finding, the more I abide in the Father’s unconditional heart of grace and love for me (meaning, NOTHING that I’ve ever done can make Him disappointed, angry, or reject me)….the more I learn to rest in His heart, letting him look INTO me (In-To-Me-See). And the more I allow Him to love me in spite of all my shortcomings, failures, and mess-ups, the more I learn to rest. The more I learn to abide. And the more I heal.

Do you need to learn to come to the Father and let Him look inside of you? (By the way, He already sees it anyway. We’re usually the ones who try to hide our past from Him, or attempt to serve Him to make up for it). Do you need to curl up, as I did, and let Him pull you in close, loving you for no other reason than the fact that He LIVES to love you? Do you need to learn to just be?

Try it today. Take 15 minutes and lay down, closing your eyes. Quiet your racing mind and your list of things that need to be done, and try to just be with the one who will always love you. With the one who will always hold you. With the one who will always fight for you. Abba, Father.