How do you ever repay the gift of sight? The Story of Our Christmas Miracle.

Studhubs is blind as a bat.

Not like, “I need to put on my glasses to see,” blind, but more like, “even when I have my contacts on, I’m really just pretending to see” type blindness. I’ve watched him live in pain for the last 5 1/2 years of our relationship (but really, he’s been in pain for decades), day in, day out…attempting to hide the fact that he’s constantly felt like little eye-elves lived under his eyelids, repeatedly poking his corneas with little elf needles. Just lovely.

He has keratoconus. ”Kerato-whaaaaaa you ask?” KeratoTERRIBLE, is more like it. It’s a degenerative cornea disease where your corneas deteriorate until, supposedly by the time you’re 30, you’re legally blind.

He’s 29. Kind of a big deal.

A couple of years ago during the Winter Olympic games, we sat glued in front of the TV as a special report aired on the captain of the US bobsled team. The silky voice of the sports announcer described this bobsledder’s horrible disease (the same as Studhubs), and how his eyesight eventually got so bad, he was a danger to the rest of his teammates and was forced to quit. His coach and his friends got online, researched every solution on the planet, and found ONE doctor in Beverly Hills who had developed a revolutionary procedure that not only STOPPED the deterioration of the cornea, but actually RESTORED the sight.

We both sat in silence. I looked over as tears streamed down Studhub’s face. Not only had someone discovered a cure for his disease, they had also developed a procedure that could restore what had been lost. He might never feel the sting of complete blindness. Ever.

Miracle.

Amid the posh luxury of Beverly Hills sits the office of Dr. Brian Boxer-Wachler (yep, it’s a mouthful, folks). But Dr. Brian’s office is the complete opposite of the stuffy, snobby air of Rodeo Drive three streets over. He’s warm, kind, compassionate, and genuinely humble. He loves to help people, to change their lives, to restore their sight.

When Studhubs went in to his first visit on a Thursday last year, his left cornea had deteriorated so severely, Dr. Brian scheduled him for immediate surgery two days later. They needed to stop the degeneration right then if he had any chance of seeing out of that eye in the future. We scrambled, took out a loan to get the procedure done that wasn’t covered by insurance (don’t even get me started), and saved the left eye.

No brainer.

Unfortunately, we didn’t have the money to do the second procedure that restored the sight, or even begin both surgeries on the right eye. That would have to wait as we saved up money over the years.

Several months ago, and completely out of the blue, our amazing friends from Portland called. Their whole family jumped on the call, and we put them on speaker phone so we could all have a nice chat. The nice chat, however, quickly turned into tears. They had called to let us know…..

They wanted to pay to get his right eye fixed.

We sat shell-shocked and dumbfounded, unable to find the right words for such an elaborate gift. How do you adequately thank someone for the gift of sight? How do you repay such an extravagant present? No matter how many nights you lay awake searching on the internet for the right silly, little present, creative thank-you, or heart-felt word, nothing is ever enough. It’s impossible to ever give anything back that equals the amount of gratitude and love you feel. It’s unable to be expressed. (In fact, I’m crying again while typing this. Geez).

We fly into LA this past Saturday night, excited for the early Christmas present hubs is about to receive. Luke will walk out of the Dr’s office on Friday with the potential for his right eye to be COMPLETELY restored, something he hadn’t experienced since being a little boy of 7. Nothing could get any better than that…

Until…..

Monday, they give us the green light to get his left eye restored, as well.

(And now, I’m bawling in Starbucks. Awesome. Haha!).

Have you ever thought you had a firm grasp on a concept, only to realize, your depth of understanding only scratched the surface? Well, I discovered today, that’s the boat I was living in when it came to receiving. I’m really good at receiving if I think I deserve it. I’m really good at receiving if I can pay something back. And I’ve learned over the years, to receive love in the wounded places of my heart so that I can be healed. No worries, got it down, I can handle that.

But receiving something overly extravagant that I don’t deserve, and that I can’t pay back? Now, that’s a whole other ball game.

I got into the car Monday night and completely broke down, shaking and bawling. We have received a gift we can never repay, and I’m dealing with the schizophrenic emotions that range between extreme joy….and massive guilt. It’s opening a gaping wound in my heart, revealing that I might not be as good at receiving as I think I am. When you only allow yourself to receive when it’s just enough, or when the score is even, or when you can pay it back…

It’s not really receiving. It’s earning.

God is beginning to delicately peel back the layers of even deeper wounds inside of my heart. When I keep an equal tab of what I can receive in conjunction with what I can give, I can never fully experience the magnitude and extravagance of blessing, love, and grace He’s waiting to pour out on me. It’s like, I’m holding my arm out towards Him, refusing the waterfalls of his affection and blessing, until I judge myself worthy enough to receive them. I’m light years from where I used to be in this area (I used to believe I didn’t deserve love at all!), but I discovered, through the generous gift of our precious friends, I still don’t really know what it means to receive, with no strings attached.

Talk about a life-altering week. For both of us.

All this time, I thought we were coming to LA just to get Studhubs eyes fixed. But I was wrong. We were also coming to fix my vision, as well. I gained a whole new perspective and outlook on life, and a revelation of the deeper healing my heart needs in order to accept the fullness of all God has for me.

Grace. Greater grace.

I’ve finally opened up my heart to the greater possibility of being lavished on, of being blessed, of being poured into until I might burst.

Blessings, miracles, gifts and overflow in 2012? Bring it on, baby. I’m finally ready to receive your extravagance…here and now…as I am.

xx, Christa

Is receiving something you have a hard time with, as well? Do you feel that you’re unworthy to receive, or do you (like me), try to keep the scores even and only receive when you feel you’ve done enough to earn it?

Spend a few minutes allowing God to search your heart, asking Him to come in and remove any blockages you might have to receiving ALL He has for you this Christmas season.

I promise you, He has more for you than you can possibly imagine.

Dr. Boxer-Wachler and Lucas this morning after the surgery. He went from his eyesight being at 2400 to 20/30 in the right eye and 20/70 in the left! MIRACLE!!!