The Danger of 'Taking Things Personally'

The Danger of ‘Taking Things Personally’

Poor Studhubs.

It’s his 29^th birthday today and I scheduled dentist appointments for us. (Whammy). Aaaaaaaaand the dentist appointments began at 7.30 am. (Double birthday whammy). If you know my husband, you know he’s NOT a morning person. I wake up and the birds are singing, the sun is rising on another glorious day, and I’m instantly wide-awake and flitting around the house like a Disney cartoon character. Studhubs, however, needs a good cup of coffee and about an hour before his speaking transforms from mumbled caveman grunts into actual words.

When we first got married, I was baffled by this strange behavior. I couldn’t understand how someone could be so rude to me in the morning (and by rude, I mean, mute). How was he not ready to converse about the day, to dream, to sing, to worship, to be in love? How was he able to ignore me, or respond with one-word answers, or just roll over, turn his back on me, and go back to sleep?

Have you ever noticed how people who struggle with self-hatred or insecurity take everything personally? If someone is rude, they get offended instantly. If someone is having a bad day, it must be because of something they did. No one outside their little world can be rude, offended, or angry without getting them rude, offended or angry. Well, unfortunately, for the first few years of our marriage, I didn’t understand that this little toxic cycle had crept its way into our relationship.

So Studhubs isn’t a morning person. Is that my fault? Nope, but I took it personally as though it was. I would get upset, snappy, angry, manipulative, and offended when he would ignore me in the mornings. How could he hurt me like that!? How could he be so inconsiderate! What I didn’t realize, however, was that my insecurity was flaring up like a bad rash, leaving me feeling rejected and ignored. I was carrying around the responsibility for something that had been a part of his life-routine long before I had come along.

So the logical, unemotional conclusion should have been: IT WASN’T ABOUT ME.

Just like the guy who yells at you at the stoplight isn’t blowing a fuse JUST because of your poor driving. He might have some anger issues of his own.

Just like the rude lady behind the Starbucks counter isn’t rude JUST because she doesn’t like you. She might have a few other things on her mind.

Just like your best friend’s snappy comments aren’t always JUST because she’s upset with you. Have you ever stopped to wonder what might be behind her frustration?

Lucas would wake up and stay silent and very detached. I would take it as rejection, my insecurity would manifest, and I’d either turn off my heart and get cold to ‘make him pay,’ snap at him, or break down and cry emotionally after a week or two of my frustration building up. Talk about an instant blockage to intimacy and relationship over a lie!

So whose issue was this? His or mine? Yep, it was mine. If I had taken two steps back from my lens of rejection, I would have been able to see that 1) he’s clearly not a morning person, 2) that his ability to wake up quickly didn’t have anything to do with me, and 3) that I could actually talk to him about being a teeny bit nicer and softer, and that he might actually receive it if I didn’t come at him with my offended guns ready to fire. But because I was already offended, his walls would go up to protect himself from the attack (naturally), leaving no one heard and nothing changed.

There were a lot of areas in our marriage where I was taking things personally that didn’t have anything to do with me. I blamed it on my sensitivity. I blamed it on my hormones. I blamed it on being a woman. But at the core, it was really just my insecurity and fear of rejection.

Extremely secure people are never offended. They never take things personally and are always able to take two steps back from any situation, and see it for what it is—which is usually not about them. If it is about them, they address it from a place of confidence and love, preserving the relationship.

I’ve had to learn that any time I’m taking things really personally, I need to check my heart-meter.

Case in point:

We just got back from the dentist, and on the way down the hall to our loft, Studhubs mumbles in his grumpy morning voice, “Don’t ever schedule a dentist appointment on my birthday ever again, babe.” He was not a happy dentist camper.

Everything in me wanted to get angry. Doesn’t he know how hard it is to get into the dentist? Doesn’t he know I didn’t actually schedule it this way—it was a cancellation and the only way that we can get in before August? Why can’t he just suck it up and be nice to me for my priority to dental health!

Two steps back.

1) He just found out from the dentist that he needs a root canal and a crown that costs about $2500. (birthday whammy 3)

2) He couldn’t go to sleep last night until 3 am, making the sum total of his sleep 3.5 hours. (birthday whammy 4)

3) All of this has happened before 9.30 am, which is usually when he gets up. (birthday whammy 5)

Not about you, Christa. Not about you. I could get snappy, rude, offended that he DARE say such things to me, or I can step back into security and see it for what it is. It’s not about me—AT ALL.

I have to take a lot of steps back, especially since I’ve been prone to take things personally for most of my life (because most of my life was lived in deep insecurity and self-hatred). But it’s extremely freeing when you finally realize that the world doesn’t revolve around you, and most of the fear, insecurity, and offenses you carry aren’t remotely necessary.

They’re just extra baggage on your journey.

YOUR TURN:

Would you consider yourself ‘highly offendable?’ Does someone’s bad day leave you rude, angry, and offended?

Take two steps back from one situation that you’re taking personally.

What are the facts. Is that person’s behavior SOLELY about you, or could there be other factors? Is your offense helping the situation or hurting it? Has anything changed by you ‘taking things personally,’ or does it just load you down with extra weight?

(I’ll talk more about offense later and how there’s literally NO ROOM for it in your heart—ever).

Try taking two steps back in your relationships today. It’s time to find out what life looks like looking outward, instead of taking things personally and looking inward.

More to come. (:

Xx, Sista Christa