NEW BLOG: Security VS. Jealousy

If I compared myself to the rest of the world, there would definitely be something wrong with me.

I’m so rock-solid secure in my relationship with Studhubs, I tell our friends in LA that he can be their ‘loaner-hubs’ until they get their own (minus a few of the perks, wink, wink). They run up and throw their arms around him in big bear-hugs, and I just stand there, smile, nod my head ‘yes,’ and encourage it to continue. If it’s late and they’re walking in the dark to their car alone, I say, “Take Studhubs!” If they need someone to open the door for them or tell them how much they’re worth, I nudge him forward. If they need relationship advice from a man, I love it when he spills the wisdom he carries beyond his years. If they need a shoulder to cry on, I make them come over and sob into his strong, safe arms.

The world would say this is stupid, but I find it beautifully freeing.

You see, there’s absolutely no jealousy in my heart concerning my husband. Nothing on earth makes me feel more secure (other than the love of God), than the love of my husband. There is no such thing as the ‘D’ word (divorce) in our home. We locked into a covenant before God, friends, and family, and even when things get rocky (and there have been really stormy times in our short 4 years), we are absolutely confident of our God to fix US, and as we get fixed and healed, our relationship gets healed.

Healing starts from the individual, then moves into the relationship. And needing help in relationships isn’t failure. It’s actually is wisdom.

Had a beautiful girl write into askchrista@christablack.com with a question about jealousy. She’s dating a wonderful guy who treats her like the treasure that she is, but as her boyfriend begins to open up about his past relationships, jealousy is on the rise. Hearing about his ex-girlfriends, or even friends who are girls, strikes a nerve that hits hard, crippling their relationship.

She writes this beautiful question:

So I guess my question is, where does this paranoia come from? I have never been cheated on or had my heart truly broken. He is the sweetest and most considerate guy I have ever met and I know he really cares about me, yet I feel like I’m just looking for reasons to be mad at him and I don’t know why. I can’t help but be furious with myself now. I’m just desperate for a cure to my doubts.

Well, let me tell you right now, you’re anything but alone. Jealousy is seen as a normal part of relationships, in fact, it’s encouraged by friends and family. But as jealousy plagues life around us I always wondered, does this debilitating characteristic have to be the norm? And is it supposed to be?

I used to be an extremely jealous person. I was jealous of my BFF’s budding relationship with the new girl, I was jealous of how beautiful that girl was and how great that boys car was. I was jealous of how hot my boyfriends ex-girlfriend was, and how she had the chest that I would never have (Just keeping it real, ladies. Just keeping it real).

By the time Studhubs found me, I was far from being totally healed (and still am, since life is a journey and not a destination!), but I had been intentionally working on this area of my heart for a while. I knew that the root of jealousy, in any part of my life, was stemming from the blood-sucking trait of insecurity. Insecurity is as common in our world as having a couch in your living room, and is the root of all sorts of ugly traits: fear, worry, anxiety, gossip, anger—the list goes on and on. So how could I pull the root of insecurity out of my life where the fruit of my life would change?

You see, jealousy is never the problem. It’s only the fruit of the problem. The root, however, is a heart that needs to be loved into security.

As amazing and healing Studhubs love is for me, it is never the solution. It only enhances the solution. The solution is one thing: allowing the medicine of the love of God go so deep into every crack, every wound, every broken, barren, insecure, fearful, hurting, lonely place and love you SO COMPLETELY, you change. People act different when they know they’re greatly loved. I know I did and continue to do so. The more I allow the love of the one who made me to go into the broken parts of my life, the more that love heals and transforms me—permanently.

If you have a root of jealousy, you have a root of pain somewhere in your life. At some point, you believed that you weren’t enough. At some point, you were told that you didn’t matter. At some point, you believed that love isn’t certain and could potentially cause pain. ALL of these points are true from the standpoint of this world, but from the perspective of heaven, they’re all lies.

You have never been unloved. Plain and simple. Heaven has always lavished love towards you. No matter how badly of a job your parents, friends, boyfriends, and girlfriends have done loving you, your God has never dropped the ball. He can’t. He doesn’t know how to. Our only job in this beautiful gift He gives is one thing:

To receive.

YOUR TURN:

Does jealousy plague your thoughts and emotions? Is it crippling your relationships and poisoning them with doubt and fear?

Don’t go after jealousy. It’s not the problem. Don’t try to fix your boyfriend or girlfriend or your relationship. Go after your own heart and make sure it’s so locked-tight with the security of love that there’s no place for jealousy or insecurity.

Receive a healing dose of the Father’s love right now.

Take a deep breath, close your eyes, hold out your hands and say this out loud:

“Father, I RECEIVE your love. I receive it even though I don’t believe I deserve it. I receive it even though my heart feels so broken sometimes, I don’t know which way is up. I need you to love me into wholeness. I need you to love me into security. I need you to love me until I’m the best version of me I can possibly be. I believe your love is the only medicine my heart needs. I believe your love is the solution for every problem I have. I CHOOSE to receive it, and continue to receive it. Amen.”

xx, Sista Christa

PS. Now, if you’re dating or married to a cheater, I’m not saying it’s wrong for you to feel the initial sting of jealousy. It’s what you choose to do with that jealousy that determines the temperature of your heart. The wounds of betrayal are some of the deepest wounds that could ever be inflicted. You might need to make some hard decisions and cut a relationship that’s toxic—or if you’re married, you might need to get some outside help. If this is your situation, the solution is the same—let yourself be loved. It’s the only medicine that can heal your heart in the middle of a terrible situation without the damage of scars. xx